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Such terrible pickup lines!

todays vendorSo pun Monday pun de hottest radio station in Barbados –– Capital Media HD 99.3 –– de question of de day was: “What is de worst pickup line ever?” And people started to tell de morning show team ’bout terrible pickup lines. I got to confess mankind real foolish –– and by mankind, I mean de men!

When we see a skirt, boobs or backside, we does get dotish, especially if de aforementioned assets seem ready to burst out de material and holler: “Look me here!”

Tight-fitting blouses; buttons straining like attack dogs ready to mash down de fence; tight, tight pants, preferably white, so tight only a miracle zip could hold it together; more make-up than a piece of dough covered in flour ready fuh de baking pan –– dem things does mek mankind lose he stride, spin round he head like de Exorcist, moonwalk like Jacko, or just plain behave like a jackass: de jackass he probably is.

So, today, in tribute to men who cannot see a skirt nor tight pants –– we ain’t ready fuh de shorts yet –– we gine reproduce some of de more humorous pickup lines that went wrong, wrong, wrong!

The worst, according to a lady: this guy came up to her in the club and started dancing. He “whispered” in her ear: “Do you have kids?”

(“Mind you, I was about 24, 25, and slim, with no kids,” she said.)

“I was like, ‘Umm, no. Why?’

“He smiled and said, ‘You look like you have kids, eyeing me up and down’. I was like, ‘That’s something to tell someone?’

“He was like, ‘Ohhh, sorry, sorry. I mean your hips! You got them child-bearing hips’.  “Stupse!”

See what ah mean? Now, why would any sensible man believe that is a pickup line he should use, or that it even had a chance to succeed!

Sometimes, though, it is not only de men. De girls are also liking what they see in other women, and some becoming real bold in mekking moves pun de women. One lady related this episode.

She said: “This has scarred me for life. A schoolgirl saw me heading her way and stop in her tracks and stare me from head to toe as I approached. She then said, in the most raw Bajan accent I ever heard, ‘My fren, I cuh shizzle you nizzle and shankleyou nankle!’

“I still confused.”

I would be too. I have to wonder what exactly dis schoolgirl learning in school. Clearly, biology high pun she agenda and she focusing pun anatomy.

Another lady say dat a fella hit she wid dis one liner: “Fine Twine, looka stick.
Leh we wrap up!”

I suspect he was not just a one-line wonder, but a one-look wonder too!

Then we have de lines dat de women use pun de men; and dis one come straight out of nursery rhymes. A fella say a lady approach he in a fete and lay dis track pun he: “Big Bad Wolf, come and eat Red Riding Hood!”

Poor Market Vendor, I gine never ever be able to hear Red Riding Hood without thinking ’bout dis encounter. Imagine dis line was coming from a lady!

I have de assurance from de gentleman dat he beat a hasty retreat, lest Red Riding Hood consumed de Big Bad Wolf!

There are times when even a wolf knows to stay away from de bushes!

Another young lady had dis somewhat laughable pickup line while looking at her phone in her hand: “Are you calling me?”

At least she may have had a chuckle!

I am not sure I got this next one: “Wow I can’t believe it’s not butter!”

As opposed to what? If yuh gine use a pickup line, de message ought to be unambiguous.

Somewhat predictable was de following: “Do you know that you have bedroom eyes?”

I didn’t find dis one a bit so though: “Excuse me, but is your husband married?”

Was he trying to pick up de lady or she man?

Perhaps, de most original of de lot was dis one: “Sweet girl, I am Rasta, but I does eat meat.”

Mankind real foolish! Wunnah seriously expect dat a woman gine respond to dem lines? Nuh wonder some o’ wunnah don’t have a lady in wunnah lives!

I Market Vendor gone fuh now. You have a blessed and a wonderful day, yuh hear!

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