The best medicine

Wow, what a footballing week, both Spanish giants in danger of crashing out of the Champions League Semi-Finals. Spurs coming from behind to beat Manchester City, and my beloved Arsenal, beating someone.

Today I am assuming we have all had a long week, and will thus dispense some medical humour.


A man and wife entered a dentist’s office. The wife said: “I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or Novocain because I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”

“You’re a brave woman,” said the dentist. “Now, show me which tooth it is.

The wife turns to her husband and says: “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”


A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.

The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said: “Oh no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied: “Not yet… It’s his turn with the teeth!”


Dentist to Patient: (begging) “Would you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?”

Patient: “Why? Doc, it isn’t all that bad this time.”

Dentist: “There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don’t want to miss the 4 o’clock football game.”


Mrs. Smith to the doctor: “You told me not to worry about my son wetting his bed at night and it’s perfectly normal.

“Well I don’t think so and neither does his wife.”


“Is this a really healthy place?” asked a tourist to a local man.

“Yes, of course,” the man replied. “When I came here I couldn’t say a word. I had hardly any hair on my head, I didn’t have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed.”

“Gosh, this is truly a healthy place. How long have you been here?”

“I was born here,” replied the local man.


A doctor is talking to a car mechanic: “Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.”

“Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn’t changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month.”


A man with two badly burned ears went to the emergency room for medical treatment. “What happened?” asked the doctor.

“Well, my wife was ironing while I was watching the football game on TV,” began the man. “She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the phone rang, I answered the iron.”

The doctor nodded: “But what happened to the other ear?”

“Well, no sooner had I hung up,” said the man, “when the same guy called again.”

A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor: “It hurts when I press here (pressing his side). And when I press here (pressing the other side). And here (his leg). And here, here and here (his other leg, and both arms).”

So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong: “You’ve got a broken finger!”


In a car garage, where a famous heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his Mercedes, there was a loud mouthed mechanic who was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car. He saw the surgeon waiting and lured him into an argument.

He asked the doc after straightening up and wiping his hands on a rag: “Look at this car I’m working on. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind them, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The surgeon very calmly leaned over and whispered to the loudmouth mechanic: “Try doing it with the engine running.”


A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting: “Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!”

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting: “Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!


Doctor: “What is three times three?”

Person 1: “274.”

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and asks the second man: “It’s your turn. What is three times three?”

Person 2: “Tuesday.”

The doctor shakes his head sadly, and then asks the third man: “Okay, your turn. What’s three times three?”

Person 3: “Nine.”

Doctor: “That’s great! How did you get that?”

Person 3: “Simple just subtract 274 from Tuesday.”

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